


Nice work if you can get it

by deadlegato



Series: Snake Eyes and Sinners [1]
Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:34:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,486
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27340537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadlegato/pseuds/deadlegato
Summary: Angel Dust accidentally discovers that Sir Pentious was once a vaudeville performer. Wanting to call him out for putting down Angel for having a similar job, they accidentally disturb one too many skeletons in the serpent's closet.
Series: Snake Eyes and Sinners [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2004868
Comments: 24
Kudos: 67





	1. See a Penny

**Author's Note:**

> Content warnings: violence against an intimate partner, violent and/or gendered language

“Cherri! You are not going to BELIEVE what I found!” Angel Dust declared, bursting into her apartment.

“Hey, what have I said about warning me before coming in? I could have been working on a delicate trigger!” she chided, although she wasn’t actually that angry with him. Worst case scenario she blew herself up, which she’d already done plenty of times when figuring out how to use her powers.

“Look at this!” he said triumphantly, holding up his phone. “Val got this book of photos of old burlesque performers and look at this pot that has been calling the kettle black by insulting me for my line of work.”

The photo taken from the book was slightly blurry, with a white spot where the flash had reflected back, but the photo was clear enough regardless. “Holy shit, is that Edgelord?!” she asked.

“How many other black and yellow cobras with red eyes do you know?” Angel asked in return.

The photo was of an old poster. There were two snake demons in the photo. Both had their hoods slightly flared. One of them was clearly Cherri’s familiar rival, although missing the hat they’d grown accustomed to seeing and wearing what appeared to be women’s clothing. The other was a very pale white snake, body covered in crystalline baby blue eyes, with four arms. “Ghost and Shiny Penny, appearing live,” Cherri read from the poster. “The venomous beauty that can tantalize and hypnotize.”

“I mean, I know burlesque doesn’t have to involve stripping, but look at that outfit. That’s a stripper outfit if I’ve ever seen one, and I should know.”

“Let’s ogle their stage name,” Cherri suggested, pulling out her own phone and bringing up hell’s porn-oriented search engine. “Maybe we can find out more about them.”

…

Over a hundred years ago

…

The white snake, an albino king cobra by the name of Thaddeus, had been on his way home. Hell rain was coming down hard, burning at his skin while simultaneously freezing him. The wet pavement was harder for his scales to dig into than usual, making his return home a painfully slow one.

His head perked up when he heard a scream. He distinctly recognized the scream of another snake. His tongue darted out and licked where his lips would be if he had them. His diet consisted of other snakes, so hearing one screaming in distress was like ringing a personalized dinner bell for him.

He hadn’t expected to turn into an alley and find another of his kind fighting off an attack by six mongoose demons. Two were already on the ground in bloody piles, but it was clear the other snake demon was too badly injured to continue fighting the other four. There was ripped clothing and blood everywhere, although it was impossible to tell how much each demon had contributed to the finger painting of gore on the walls.

He set down his bag and cracked his knuckles. “Hey! I knew you were a bunch of weasels, but six on one seems a little one-sided even for you, doesn’t it?” he asked.

“This doesn’t concern you,” one of the mongoose demons growled back at him. “Keep slithering along and you don’t need to get hurt as well.”

“Ah, well, you see… you all appearing on my turf has changed my dinner plans,” he hissed.

“And you appearing on OUR turf has changed OUR dinner plans. Guess we’re having a double portion of snake dinner.”

For an inexperienced snake, they would have been more than a handful despite their own inexperience. For someone who had already been doing it for several years, knocking them down was as easy as knocking down bowling pins. That, and his four arms certainly gave him an advantage.

“There, I’ve taken care of them, you can- whoa!” he said, his hood flaring as he had to dodge a trash can that had been thrown at his head. The other snake, a black and yellow creature with an extra red eye in the middle of its chest, was hissing at him between pained breaths. “Hey, calm down!” he was surprised the other snake had enough left in it to move, let alone throw a full garbage can.

“I am not interested in being your dinner, either!”

“I’m not planning on eating you!”

“Do not lie to me! I can see what you are, and I heard you say that your dinner plans had changed,” the black snake snapped, coiling back as much as it could with its injuries.

“No. I meant… as distasteful as I find it, I guess I’ll be having mongoose tonight,” he said, swatting at one limp demon with his tail. It could barely groan in response. He looked the black snake up and down. Thaddeus couldn’t quite make out the sex of this new snake, as the figure was feminine, but the voice had a masculine edge. He wasn’t even sure how he knew they were the same species, other than something inside him told him so. He’d eaten other smaller cobras before, but something just told him this one wasn’t on the menu. He realized what little tattered remains of fabric it had left around its shoulders were the remains of a funerary shroud. “You… you must have recently arrived in hell?” he asked.

There was a very long pause, before the other snake lowered down from a raised defensive position to be closer to the ground. “Is this… is this really hell?” it asked, multiple pink eyes darting around. Thaddeus was somewhat taken aback when the other snake started to laugh. “I… I guess I really shouldn’t have tested that flying machine myself.”

“Why don’t you come with me?” the white snake finally asked, picking up his bag as well as two of the other demons. “Let me at least get you warmed up and get your wounds dressed.”

“Ha… and why should I trust you?”

“Well, being hell, you really shouldn’t. But right now, can you afford not to? Do you think you could take another attack in your state?”

When they returned to the leaking one-room shack the white snake occupied, he offered what little he had available up to his nervous companion. He wasn’t sure why he’d bothered to bring the other snake with him. Hell wasn’t the kind of place where you just helped strangers out of the good of your heart, and he barely had enough space for himself.

“Here, drink this,” Thaddeus said. “It’s just tea, and it’ll warm you up. You’re cold blooded now, so you’re going to have to be more careful about your surroundings. What’s your name, anyway?”

“Pen… Penuel,” the black snake answered, shaking beneath the blanket. Water leaking from the ceiling dripped down next to him.

“WRONG!” Thaddeus snapped, nearly startling Penuel into falling onto the floor of this shack of a living quarter. “That’s your mortal name. You must guard that with your afterlife. Knowing that can give other demons power over you. Now, my stage name is Ghost. We need to come up with another name for you.”

“Stage name?”

“I’m… well, in life I was a Shakespearean actor,” he explained. “Problem is, hell has no shortage of those, including ones who actually worked with Shakespeare, so… I’m trying a new theater form that just started getting popular. They call it vaudeville. There’s a dedicated theater in this town, but the REAL action is in the big cities. Once I gain enough notoriety here, I’m going to head to where the money is.”

.

Thaddeus tried very, very hard to come up with his ultimate winning routine. Magic acts, plate-spinning, singing… if he could figure out how to do it, even badly, he tried it, all while his bemused new friend watched from the shadows. “I don’t get it,” he sighed, leaving yet another show without an offer to become a returning act. “What am I doing wrong?”

“Hey, you two!” the manager of the theater shouted. He was a stout badger, a man who constantly stank of cheap cigars and gum disease. Thaddeus’ head perked up. Was this it? Had they finally been recognized? “Or rather, hey, Shiny Penny. Our machine that raises and lowers the curtains is stuck. I hate to keep bugging you to keep this place in one piece for me, but can you give it a look over and fix it up? I’ll pay you for your time, as usual.”

.

“It’s a simple chain out of place,” ‘Penny’ informed him. “This will be an easy fix.”

“Thanks, Penny, if I called any of the so-called actual repairmen around here, they’d act like the whole thing was broken and needed to be replaced,” the badger grunted, taking another long pull from his cigar. “What rip-offs. Say, Ghost, I’ve been thinking. You know what your act needs? A lovely assistant, and you’ve got one available right here. It’s not fair to Penny to keep such a beauty constantly putting my broken-down theater back together when they should be dazzling the stage.”

“Who would want to see an act that consisted of two guys trying to juggle plates?” Ghost snorted with a shake of his head. Never mind that there were several successful acts already that followed that format…

“No, no, you’re not getting my picture. With a figure like that, you could easy pass Penny off as a lady.”

“I… I think someone would notice.”

“My friend, a little spell to change the voice to a more feminine tone, and… well, you can’t really tell male and female snake demons apart unless you get right up in their business. Why don’t you at least give it one shot and see how it works out? I’ve even got an outfit that should fit that I’ll let you have as a goodwill gift for how many times Penny has saved me a hefty repair bill.”

.

“Oh, don’t pout, Thaddeus,” Penuel sighed, neatly hanging up the one performance-worthy outfit Thaddeus owned. It was starting to get thin in places, and he was worried about how they were going to afford to replace it. The ‘beautiful assistant’ routine had been surprisingly well received, with quite a few inquires as to when they would see ‘Shiny Penny’ on stage again and whether she might be willing to take on more… risky routines.

“With the money we earned in tips, we have enough this month to pay rent and buy actual groceries for once. I’m getting tired of eating whoever we can find wandering through the alleys at night. Too much… screaming. That, and I think a lot of the smaller snakes have gotten the idea that this neighborhood isn’t safe. We’re going to have to move on soon if this keeps up.” A few times, they’d eaten the same demon more than once. They were just always very careful not to let their victims see them before they were able to strike and unload their venom. Having a demon come back to life and remember they were the ones who had previously devoured it would be… problematic. The few times a victim had accidentally seen them, Penuel had taken care of this issue by erasing their memories with the hypnotic eyes in his hood. That was one of the major differences between their power levels. Thaddeus had the ability to tell when anyone was lying just by listening to them; Penuel had hypnotic abilities.

Wearing only his stained white undershirt, Thaddeus leaned up against the wall and looked out the window, which was held together with whatever bits of tape they could smuggle out of the theater after Penny’s various odd jobs. He was throwing one of his literal hissy fits over the attention his ‘assistant’ had siphoned away from himself, but he knew it was necessary for them to make enough to keep going. “We should thank the manager,” he said bitterly. “If the button hadn’t popped off that cheap outfit he gave you, we’d only have gotten half those tips.”

“Please don’t be jealous, Thaddeus. You saved me and took care of me when I first arrived in hell. I don’t want to fight with you. Let’s… let’s change the subject. You know, I think it would actually be nice to eventually live somewhere with more space. I… I get a little claustrophobic here, constantly surrounded by gossipy neighbors sticking their noses in our business. I want somewhere I can spread out and work on my machines. I don’t want to spend my afterlife just fixing broken theaters.”

“Your machines killed you in the human realm, and you’re still set on tinkering with them?” Thaddeus snorted, stretching out and preparing for bed. “Ah, my skin feels really tight. I’m going to have to shed soon, but we’ve got three shows lined up next week and I can’t afford to miss any of them.” He flopped down on what served as their shared “bed”, a pile of discarded ragged clothing and straw with a single patched-together blanket on top. “You going to get changed and come to bed?” he asked.

“Hmm? Oh, soon enough. I just want to get lost inside my own thoughts for a while,” Penuel answered. “I just feel… uneasy. Do you think a storm is coming? My coils won’t relax.”

Thaddeus lifted his head and stiffened up. “I feel it too. Something isn’t right. And… do you smell… smoke?”

The already broken window was smashed completely when a burning bottle came sailing through it, lighting up the table where it landed. Thaddeus grabbed Penuel by the wrist and the two fled out the front door, only to find a gathering of very pissed-looking smaller snake demons waiting for them. “There’s the two bastard cobras who keep attacking everyone! Get them!” someone shouted. “Let’s tear them apart for once!”


	2. Penny on the rails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two snakes head for the bright lights of Bloodway.

Sir Pentious felt a prickle down his back as he was studying the rows of canned soup on the supermarket shelves. He twisted the eyes on his tail around. He barely managed to catch a head disappearing behind the end of the shelf row.

“If you want an autograph, you should just ask me instead of burning holes in my back with your eyes,” he finally spoke up.

“Really, you’ll grace me with your autograph?” Cherri asked, popping out from the end of the isle where she and Angel had been hiding and giggling.

He rolled all his eyes at once, which was quite the task considering how many of them there were. “What do you want? Do you really want to fight in the middle of a grocery store?!”

“No, I actually do want an autograph. Can you make it to Cherri, from Shiny Penny the hypnotist?”

There was a loud crash as Pentious dropped his entire basket, causing the glass container of pasta sauce inside to shatter. The thick red fluid spread out across the floor of the grocery isle.

…

“I thought no one saw us!” Penuel huffed as they fled, the other snakes hot on their tails. Only the fact that they knew the back alleys of this area better than the other snakes kept them ahead of the mob, as their larger size made them slower to move. The other snakes hadn’t been prepared for them to launch a counter attack consisting of hefting garbage cans with their tails either.

“Well, someone must have,” Thaddeus shouted back between pants. “Or maybe you fucked up your hypnotism! Either way, we got too set in our routine and got careless.”

“I hear them! They must be this way!” another voice in the distance called, and they resumed their desperate race through the night.

“What are we going to do? We can’t just keep running!”

“… To the theater. If we can get to the theater, the manager can hide us!” 

Unfortunately, the other snakes must have had the same idea. Only once the two cobras were halfway across the bridge into the downtown area did they realize their path ahead was blocked by several enraged looking demons, the light of their torches bouncing off the blades in their hands. When they turned back, they saw the other half of the mob behind them.

“Come… come on now, everyone. We’re… we’re king cobras!” Thaddeus tried to explain as they backed up against the railing. “It’s just in our nature!”

“Your nature is to hunt and devour us repeatedly?” one of the other snakes spat angrily. “You think we’re just going to ignore that?”

“We’re going to have fun turning you two into a meal for once,” another one grinned, drooling venom with anticipation.

With their backs against the wall and surrounded by more snakes than they could possibly fight off even together… Thaddeus leaned over, grabbed his friend by the wrist, and whispered the only thing he could think of to Penuel. “Jump.”

.

They could hear the other snakes screaming in rage behind them when they hit the icy waters below. Thaddeus knew the other snakes wouldn’t come after them. No one who was sane would voluntarily leap into a hell river just to get revenge. “Ha, those bastards don’t know that venomous snakes float!” he laughed, spitting filthy hell water out of his mouth. “Penny, you okay? You didn’t hurt yourself in the fall, did you?”

“I am as fine as I can be, considering,” Penuel hissed in response. “How… how far can we swim before we get too cold?” Penuel asked. “If we try to get out of the water now, they’ll catch us on the banks.”

“I’m more worried about you than myself since you’re still in heavy wet clothing.” He sighed. “This is terrible. I wish we’d had time to grab more before we had to flee.”

“I… I still have the money from fixing the machine and our tips. It’s lucky that I hadn’t undressed before the attack.”

“But that’s it.”

There were several minutes of silence as they continued to swim with the current, which was far too strong for them to try swimming against. They were mostly just trying to keep from being thrown into any of the sharp objects jutting out of the black waters

They finally crawled out of the water, convinced they were a safe distance away from the mob. They could no longer see any torches burning or hear any voices screaming, just the wind howling and whatever passed for fake stars glittering in the hellishly red night sky. A railroad trellis sticking out into the river had been just what they’d needed to grab onto and pull themselves out.

“You know, I’ve been meaning to take our act on the road. You can’t make it to the big time if you stay in one place, you know. This is just the push we need to get us moving,” Thaddeus said as they clawed up the bridge using their tails like an extra hand.

“What act? All of your props and everything were in that building… which is probably a pile of ashes by now,” Penuel spat, coughing out a hell fish in the process.

“The… the important thing is that we’re both safe. We’ll rebuild. Rebrand. Be better than before!” he said.

.

“Are you still cold?” Thaddeus asked. They had jumped into an open freight car and were on their way headed East. Thaddeus hoped they could make it to the great theater district: Bloodway. There was a certain bitter irony to the fact that they had been literally run out of town on a rail.

“Yes,” Penuel answered. He would have shivered, but snake demons weren’t capable of it. “And wet. And hungry.”

Thaddeus snuggled his body up to his partner in misery. “When we get to the next city, we can hunt. We can…”

“NO. No more… of… that. We spend money on groceries like… like every other demon!”

“But Penny, look at the size of us, and with what little we make…”

“Well, we’ll just have to find better jobs, won’t we?!” the black snake snapped back.

Thaddeus sank down, his childish pout from the previous night returning. They rarely fought, and he hadn’t seen Penny so angry since that first night fighting the mongoose.

“Ghost, please, I didn’t mean to make you angry. I… I still appreciate everything you’ve done for me. I…”

Thaddeus straightened himself out and put a hand over his partner’s mouth, silencing the black snake. “You’re the only other snake I’ve met since I arrived in this hell hole that I see as a partner instead of a potential lunch. I won’t let anything happen to you, okay? I just need you to trust me.” He paused. “You know what happens if you put a penny on the tracks and a train runs over it?”

“… It gets squished?”

“It becomes something new but doesn’t lose its shine.”

“…I don’t think that analogy went the way you wanted it to.”

.

“So, this is a big city in hell. And I thought London was impressive,” Penuel whispered, eyes huge with delight at the variety of machines moving about them. Another brief chase had ensued when the rail staff had realized they had two stowaway snakes on board, but once they realized exactly how large the demons there were chasing were, they decided to let it go.

“You know, I would have liked to see London one more time before I died,” Thaddeus mused. “I died in India, you know.”

“I went to India once shortly before my death. I wonder if we ever crossed paths when we were alive.”

“I wonder if that’s why we’re both cobras now,” Thaddeus mused. He had to quickly pull his tail out of the way of a carriage being pulled by demonic horses to avoid being run over. They’d have to be more careful in the big city than they’d been previously.

“Hmmm… you know, someone once told me it had to do with humility. That… those of us who were too haughty in our human lives were doomed to be brought down a peg by being forced to crawl on our bellies in the dirt for the rest of our afterlives.”

“I don’t buy into that. Come on, let’s look for a cheap hotel room so we can decide what theater to hit first.” He put two of his arms around Penuel’s shoulders and drew the other snake close to him. “Don’t worry. I told you, I’ll take care of you. I’ll take care of us,” he promised.

.

“Sorry, we don’t have any openings for a comedy act,” the man snorted, tapping down his stack of papers with six arms. He was a huge roach demon. This was the fourth theater they’d tried, and strangely enough, all the booking agents seemed to be fast-reproducing crawling insects. “However… I do have an opening for a hypnotist, as ours accidentally hypnotized himself and now thinks he’s a giant chicken. He’s been laying eggs all morning.”

“Wait, HE has been…”

“Yeah, they’re not exactly eggs.” The two snakes looked at one another before the booking director continued, “We’ve got a cleaning crew on the way. Anyway, that’s the long and short of it. I can hire her.”

Thaddeus sputtered indignantly. “We… we’re a team.”

“Then you can perform as a team, but I’m only paying you for one hypnotist.”

“We accept,” Penuel cut in before Thaddeus could ruin the opportunity with his pride.

“What was that about?” he hissed, digging his claws angrily into his partner’s wrist when they were out of the booking director’s office.

“It’s just to make enough money that we won’t have to sleep in a trash can. Just until you find an opening!” Penuel insisted, trying to pull away from Thaddeus’ painful grip. Where the points of his fingers were digging in, Penuel was bleeding.

“Keep in mind that I taught you how to survive in hell and I taught you about the theater. You owe me, not the other way around. I get top billing, and I decide what jobs we take.” As he spat out those words, he finally released his grip. “S… sorry. This whole thing has just been so stressful I’m not myself. I should be grateful for an opportunity to break into the scene in this city. Thank you, Penny. As soon as we make it big, I’ll buy you a place with a huge workshop. Somewhere you can work on your little machines. Now, let’s talk about what our routine is going to be tonight. We’ll look like total amateurs if we go in without a plan. I just need you to follow my lead.”


	3. Tail in the door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Penny takes acting lessons and talks about why he's in hell. Penny and Ghost finally get an opportunity to go on tour, when everything goes wrong.

Before Cherri and Angel had gone to find Pentious, they’d located an old vaudeville wiki entry on Ghost and Shiny Penny. “So, the basics of their routine was that they’d start it out like it was going to be different routine. The first routine would start going badly. Like, hot mess level of badness. Then they’d pretend like they were switching to a burlesque act and ask for a volunteer from the audience. When a horny guy volunteered, they’d hypnotize him and make him strip instead down to his undies. It was apparently super popular in the day, before it got popular enough that they couldn’t get any new volunteers for their act and had to change it up. Their popularity never recovered as their later acts were never as successful.”

“I don’t know if that’s terrible or if that’s genius. I mean, at least I do my own stripping and don’t make some poor unexpecting bastard humiliate himself on stage. On the other hand, if I thought I could get away with it…”

“What I don’t get is why all these references refer to Penny as a she. Do you think she might be Edgelord’s sister or something?”

“The similarities of the look and of the name? Come on, you know ME. You know guys can look like ladies when it’s necessary for the stage.”

“I just can’t imagine Edgelord in drag. It’s weirding me out.”

“I can’t imagine the strip aspect working in that time with two guys.”

“Point,” Cherri agreed. “Hey, I know the old man usually does his grocery runs in the afternoon on Wednesdays. You wanna go poke him?”

…

“WHAT WAS WHAT?!” Thaddeus roared, fist in the air, making Penuel flinch back and shrink away from him. “Why did you go off the rails?! We had a plan! We had a routine! Your job was to follow the script, not improvise!”

It was immediately after their performance, which had been successful based on the applause ringing behind them. “I…” Penuel shrank further away. “When… when they started chanting ‘take your clothes off’ I got scared. I…”

“You two!” The booking agent said, a huge grin across his face. He slapped two hands on each of the snake’s shoulders. “You should have clarified that you were a COMEDY hypnotist routine. The crowd loved you darlings. Unfortunately, our regular hypnotist has recovered, but I’ve got a friend whose travelling show is pulling out tomorrow morning who could use your act. Will he see you two at the train station tomorrow?”

Thaddeus’ rage instantly evaporated. “Ye… yes, yes he will.” Gleefully, he turned to his still nervous partner. “Did you hear that, Penny? We’re going on the road!”

.

It seemed weird that they’d only just arrived, and they were already leaving again. At least they didn’t have much in the way of luggage. “Hold up, hold up!” a horse demon in a frilly pink bridle snorted, stamping her hoof. “You didn’t tell me the new act was a pair of snakes,” she snorted angrily. “You know I hate snakes and I’m your best-selling act. I WILL NOT travel with a pair of snakes in the same compartment!”

.

“... Well, I suppose travelling in the luggage compartment isn’t the worst thing that could happen,” Thaddeus shrugged. “Stupid horse diva.”

The luggage compartment reeked equally of smoke and mildew, likely because it had no windows. Penuel aka Shiny Penny leaned up against the wall and tried to let the rocking of the train lull him to sleep. It was their fourth night on the road performing the ‘act’, and it just seemed to keep getting better. They’d even been approached backstage for an autograph… and a question of whether Penny was available for ‘private snake dances’, which had resulted in Ghost decking the man who asked hard enough that the bastard ended up seeing literal stars. “I’m worried about what will happen if anyone figures out that I’m not a female snake. It could get… ugly… Also I think some of this luggage is actual snake skin and I am not sure whether I am creeped out or offended.”

“That’s why you have me. I won’t let anyone get near you,” Thaddeus answered. There was barely enough room for one snake amongst the luggage, so they were going to have to sleep stacked on top of each other. That was only moderately better than a pile of straw and old rags. Thaddeus always insisted on being on the bottom of the pile. He pulled his partner close to his body and settled them both into the space they’d dug out between the suitcases and steamer trunks.

“We’ll just keep putting a little more of my show into each performance until those idiots realize I’m a star and I get offered my own position. Then you won’t have to perform any more, and we’ll have enough extra money that you can start buying tools and machine parts so you can do your cute little tinkering.”

.

“Bigger gestures, bigger! Remember that you’re on a stage, and they’re several feet away from you. Small gestures won’t read properly and will just get lost in your performance,” the gecko demon in the charcoal grey top hat explained. “You need to be more… animated!” Eyes wide, Penny nodded as he listened. “It’s simple, my dear: In theater as in war, the act with the most style is the act that will be REMEMBERED,” the gecko emphasized. He was another member of the travelling troupe, and unlike the horse, had been openly friendly towards the addition of the snakes to the group.

“… The act with the most style is the act that will be remembered,” Penny repeated as he nodded in agreement.

“Now you’re getting it, darling! Big, big, that’s the theater! You know… if it’s not too sore of a subject, I never asked. How did someone as sweet as a Shiny Penny end up in hell?” he asked.

“I’m not sweet! I was quite evil! I…” he let out a long breath, looking as deflated as an old balloon. “You’ve heard of the spiritualist movement? I was quite the student of the occult arts. That’s why I really wasn’t THAT surprised when Th… Ghost told me I was in hell. But… they promised that when I got here, the devil himself would be waiting for me with a legion of eternally loyal servants! Not…” he gestured around him.

“This. I get it. Ah, the promises of religion. I was an occult practitioner myself, however… I get the impression that you never went as far as partaking in the ritual sacrifice of a child conceived specifically for the occasion,” Professor Ge Co said, flashing him a sharp smile. “Magician in life… Magician in death. But that’s enough about us, let’s continue with our acting lessons!” he said with a dramatic flair of his hands. “Don’t turn your back on the audience. I mean, not only because you might take a tomato with a knife in it if someone doesn’t like your act, but they can’t hear you when you do. You need to do a cheating three-quarters turn, like this.”

“Speaking of cheating, excuse me, but what is this?” Ghost asked as he arrived on the scene, angrily thumping his tail on the wood floor.

“Untie the knot in your tail, buddy. I was just showing your girl a few things about theater that you would think someone who claims to be her mentor would have already showed her. Besides,” the gecko grinned widely. “You’re more my dating style than her, if you catch my drift. I’m also available after the show for drinks.”

“Shakespearean actors don’t need any lessons from low-brow populists,” he snapped, dragging Penny away by the wrist.

“Hmph, if you’re so high and mighty, what are you doing down here with us?” the gecko shouted after them.

“Ghost, it didn’t mean anything!” Penny insisted. “He just offered me some tips to improve my performance. I was never on stage when I was alive.” 

“You don’t need to improve. As soon as they recognize my talent, you won’t need to continue with this charade any longer,” Ghost said in his deepest, smoothest voice as he turned and ran his hands down the sides of Penny’s face. In the quietest whisper, he added, “besides, aren’t you the one who is afraid we’ll get found out?” he asked. His partner was silent in response, but Thaddeus could feel the tenseness in his coils. “It’s just for a little while longer, okay? Hold out for me.”

.

Before Thaddeus knew it, and against what he intended, they fell into a routine. He’d attempt to do his own act, but before long the boos and hisses would rise to the point where Penny would have to step in with the hypnotist routine to prevent them from being tossed off stage like an old tomato salad.

“Common people don’t recognize talent when they see it,” Ghost growled, pounding down another drink. “That’s the real problem. They just want vulgar shit jokes that make them laugh while their dicks pop. Where’s the quality and the art in that?!” They were settled into restaurant that was far from quality, but also worlds away from digging through trash cans or eating unwary demons walking alone at night. They probably could have afforded somewhere a little nicer, if Ghost didn’t spend so much on a combination of props and alcohol. There was also the issue of his… tantrums being slightly embarrassing amongst nicer company. In the trash, no one even noticed.

“Maybe we should quit the travelling vaudeville circuit. I can do machine repairs to support you while you look for a more dignified…” Penny suggested, poking at his food with a fork. He was simultaneously starving and yet unable to eat, Ghost’s rage putting a knot in his stomach.

“NO! We’re finally making it, and I’ll be double-damned if we back out now that people are starting to recognize our names. It’s just a matter of time until they see my talent.” He paused, licking the sides of his drink as if willing the glass to fill up again magically. “Or… is the problem you, Penny. Have you lost faith in our act? Are you trying to tell me you don’t think I’m good enough?!” he roared, grabbing Penny by the hood.

“Ow, stop!”

“Hey!” one of the wait staff shouted gruffly, causing Ghost to release his grip on Penny’s hood. “I don’t care if you beat your wife, but you can’t do it here,” he grunted, staring them both down.

“We’re not having a fight, just rehearsing for the theater,” Thaddeus explained, flashing his best smile.

“Yeah well you can’t rehearse either. Just shut up and put the food in your mouths so you can go leave.”

.

“I never used opium recreationally when I was alive,” Penny said nervously as Thaddeus prepared his after-dinner activities. He had the blankets already drawn up over his tail. They were still two king-sized snakes trying to squeeze into a single queen-sized bed.

“Why, you more of a coke fiend? Heh. I’m only asking you to give it a try. Remember, I’m here to take care of you,” Thaddeus purred, stroking the hair on Penny’s hood. “You’re always so tense, this will help you relax.”

It wasn’t surprising that he was constantly on edge, as he never knew what would set Ghost off next. After some time with the smoke washing over them, Penny spoke up. “I... I don’t feel so good. I don’t think I like this...” It felt like when he moved his head, there was an uncomfortable lag between the movement and when his eyes would focus.

“Just sleep, my precious. Sleep.”

“Tha… ddeus… I…” he fell back with a thump against the pillows, eyes tightly closed.

.

“You’re lucky it’s not broken, but this is quite the nasty bruise,” Professor Ge Co said, examining a slightly darker blackish flush running through Penny’s arm. “Any more serious and you might not have been able to perform tonight. But Shiny Penny, my dear, how did this happen?”

“I fell out of bed and landed on it wrong,” he answered. He didn’t know how he’d gotten it. He’d woken up with it. Ghost told him that he’d tried to get out of bed while still messed up from the opium and had somehow twisted so that he threw his entire weight onto a weak point. That might explain the bruise, but it didn’t explain the deep scratches on his back, hidden beneath the fabric of his performance outfit.

“Huh. And last week, you said that when you and Ghost were practicing a new aerial routine, you slipped and fell from the rings.”

“Silly, isn’t it? You would think I would be used to this body by now.”

The professor raised an eyebrow. “Hmph. You’re more creative than just claiming you fell down the stairs, I’ll give you that.”

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing, my dear. Just… you seem to be hurting yourself more often lately.”

“Practicing for new routines hasn’t been easy.”

“Your practice has been paying off, my dear. When you first started you were so timid you squeaked like a mouse. Now I see a beautiful, confident serpent owning that stage.”

“Thank you! I am quite the natural if I may say so myself. And, um… Professor? Can I ask you something that has been bothering me for awhile now?”

The professor perked up. Was Penny finally ready to talk about the problems with Ghost. “Is your hat alive?” he asked, pointing at the eye in the center of it.

The professor sighed, defeated. “That’s a rather rude question in hell, my friend. Not the kind of thing one asks in polite company. While we’re talking, there’s something I must tell you as well. I’ve been offered another job, a more permeant one in a prominent theater. I still can’t believe I’m making it as a magician in hell of all things. But I’m worried what will happen to you when… Well, I do have room for an assistant, if...”

“Penny, is your arm all fixed up?” Thaddeus interrupted, barging into the conversation. “Oh, it looks like it is. I guess you really are a good magician. Thank you, professor, but this is all of your services we will require,” he said coldly as he dragged his assistant away. “Let’s take it easy on your arm tonight, baby. Don’t want you to hurt it again.”

…

“You still sulking because the Professor left?” Ghost accused, knowing that the whistle of the train as it bounced through the mountains would prevent the others form hearing his roaring rage. His anger was almost on the same level as the thunderstorm raging through the skies. “What has he offered you that I haven’t?!”

“I keep telling you, there was nothing between us! The professor was just a nice old man, and... Ghost, I’m… I’m grateful to you for helping me adjust to life in hell, but… gratitude only goes so far. You can’t keep…”

Ghost’s face twisted. “Patience only goes so far as well, and honey… you just found the end of mine,” he hissed, grabbing Penny by the throat. 

Both snakes were suddenly thrown to the back of the luggage compartment when the train unexpectedly shuddered, followed by the sound of metal screaming against metal. “What in the...”

“We’re sliding!” Penny screamed, digging his fingers into Thaddeus’ shoulders. A moment later, the sliding sensation turned into a rotation sensation as the baggage car turned onto its side, then its top, then its side again as it rolled down the mountain. Despite their impressive size the snakes were thrown like toys in a cement mixer, battered by the luggage striking against them. The compartment only stopped when it hit a massive boulder, trapping it on its side. Unfortunately, it was trapped with the door facing downwards.

“Penny! Penny! Are you okay?!” Thaddeus shouted, throwing luggage around until he dug his partner out.

“I... I think so. We derailed. The storm must have made the ground under the tracks unstable. Do you think everyone else is okay?”

“Oh, mighty Lucifer in hell,” Thaddeus gasped, one of his hands covering his mouth.

“What, what is it?”

“Extermination day is tomorrow. You didn’t hear it, but there was a huge argument about whether we should try to make it to the next city before it or if we should hunker down in the previous city and let it pass. The management thought we’d have just enough time to get to the next town and set up an all-day-extermination-day show special, but...”

“Now we’re stuck in the mountains away from any source of shelter.”

“And trapped in an overturned luggage compartment,” Thaddeus sighed, wiping away the tears that were trying to form in his eyes. “I mean, with no windows, in here is probably safer than out there, but...”

“We’re entirely at the mercy of whether they decide to break in here to get us or not.”


	4. They took the midnight train going nowhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things go up and down.

“Can I borrow a cigarette?” Pentious asked with a sigh. His clothes were still damp from trying to scrub as much sauce off as possible in the grocery store bathroom. He hadn’t just dropped the basket; he’d practically thrown it. Resultingly, it ended up looking like a tomato fragmentation bomb had gone off in the isle.

The three were at a cheap dive dinner, the sort where all the glasses seemed to be perpetually stained with someone else’s red lipstick. The vinyl table clothes were peeling at several places to reveal their fuzzy backing. Two of them didn’t have enough money to go anywhere else; the last didn’t want to risk going anywhere he thought people might see him with them.

“I didn’t know you smoked,” Angel said, offering one and holding out his lighter.

“I quit thirty years ago,” Pentious answered. He was still shaking slightly, and his eyes were still distant. “It just feels appropriate at the moment.”

“As much as we’re enemies, I… uh…” Angel rubbed the back of his head. “I feel bad about giving you a flashback in the middle of the grocery store. We thought you’d had a stroke or something.”

“Perhaps this will lead you to think more carefully before you act,” Pentious snapped, although he doubted that.

“Where are the eggs? Not used to seeing you out by yourself.”

“I can’t take them grocery shopping, or they fill the cart with candy. I spend enough on food supporting this body as it is.”

“Makes sense. So, you really were a big-name vaudeville performer back in the day?”

“Ha! Hardly big name. We never played in Peoria, after all,” Pentious responded, coughing out the smoke in thick puffs. “I forgot how putrid these really are,” he said, staring at the lit end for a moment before putting it in the ash tray.

“What made you stop? The rise of cinema get ya?”

“… I would think you more than anyone would know what show business is like. I wasn’t interested in spending the rest of my afterlife strung out on drugs and alcohol, running from place to place trying to make enough to keep my head above water.” He rubbed his aching head. “By the time I realized my mistake, I was in too deep to get out easily. The only thing that saved me was the demon who was taking advantage of my naivety didn’t think to force me into a contract.”

Angel knew that feeling far too well. He wished he could say the last sentence himself. 

“So, when did you change your name and decide you wanted to be a man?” Cherri asked.

He choked on his water. “Ex… excuse you! I have always been a man!” he snapped, spitting out an ice cube that had tried to go down the wrong hole. “Ghost was the one who wanted me to pass myself off as a female. He said it was necessary for our act. But the more I think about it, the more I think he just wanted to ensure that I would stay the… weaker partner. Please excuse my wording, Miss Bomb, but things were different between the sexes then. And Ghost… Ghost would have done anything to keep me complaint.” Including, it turned out, forcibly attempting to get him addicted to drugs that he would then be the sole supplier of.

“Whatever happened to him?” Cherri asked. “To Ghost, I mean.”

“The last I saw of him, he was pinned down by an exorcist with a spear through his tail and missing one of his arms. Oh, don’t look at me like that. He brought it on himself.” He paused. “I’m still not sure how I got out of that alive. Well, as alive as a dead one can be. Also, I’m surprised anyone remembered us at all. We weren’t exactly household names. I supposed it’s only... it’s only because we became known for being the only survivors of the great extermination day train massacre that anyone knows us. Of this, I am certain.”

“Wait, you were there!?” Angel asked. “Damn, that’s still held up as an example for performers even today of why you don’t try to take your show on the road too close to extermination day.”

“Is that when... Ghost was...”

“Were you two not listening? I said we both survived... that time least.”

…

There was one last act of violent, defiant love making between the two before they piled every piece of luggage in the compartment on top of themselves and trembled beneath it, covering their mouths with their hands whenever the screaming and the thumping noises from outside got too loud. Several times they heard taps or thumps against the side of their hiding place and took what they thought would be their last breaths, but... nothing came, and things once again grew quiet. Without access to a clock, they waited, uncertain of what was happening beyond the walls of their meager hiding spot.

When the sound of an axe hitting repeatedly against the wall gave way to a chunk of the wall coming loose and daylight streaming in, Thaddeus screamed and pushed Penny in front of him. “TAKE HER FIRST! I.. erm... I mean... Take her to the hospital first!” he coughed dramatically, realizing it was a team of spider demons from the railroad breaking through the wall and not exorcists.

“Lucifer be praised, we’ve got survivors!” one of the spiders called out.

As they were pulled from the carriage, a team of reporters were waiting outside. Penny briefly spotted the lower half of the prancing horse, and only the lower half, before he was swarmed by the waiting newsmen. “This train disaster will go down as one of the greatest losses to hell’s theater districts in recent times,” one of the reporters shouted. “How does it feel to be the only survivors?”

“The only...”

“Hang on now,” the spiders called down as they helped Thaddeus out of the train car. “Just because they’re the only ones we’ve found so far doesn’t mean...” Penny didn’t hear the rest of the conversation because he was more concerned with evaluating his own injuries. Despite numerous bruises, they were both in decent shape for having been thrown a considerable distance down a mountain.

“But look at what a great story this will be,” the reporter interjected loudly, startling Penny back to the scene at hand. “A bonded pair of serpents, two frightened lovers, holding one another and expecting every breath to be their last together as they listen to the death screams of their compatriots around them! The only survivors of the great extermination day train massacre! Everyone’s going to want to hear them tell it.”

“But I...”

Ghost grabbed Penny by the shoulders and pushed Penny out of the way. “Then let me tell it!” he said brightly.

.

Penny stayed in the background and let Thaddeus spin the story of their supposedly miraculous survival. What it really came down to what that damned prancing pony unintentionally saving their souls, and nothing more. Those who had been trapped in rail cars with windows had been killed first. Those who had escaped the cars and tried to run down the tracks for the sake of their very souls hadn’t fared any better, they had simply had more time to think about how they were going to be erased from reality itself before it happened. Only the two snakes, trapped in a windowless baggage compartment instead of riding with the rest of the performers, hadn’t been noticed by the exorcists.

While Thaddeus was distracting everyone with his story, Penny slowly crawled amongst the remains, paying his own sort of silent last respects to each. As he reached the elephant demon, he spotted something glinting behind its ear. He wouldn’t have seen it if it weren’t for the eyes on his lower tail; it was practically pushed into the ground. After looking back to make sure no one was watching him, he lowered himself down. He could see the broken-off end of a stick. Grabbing onto it, he pulled, not wanting it to be what he thought it was.

It came out with a sucking sound. He had been right. It wasn’t just a broken stick. It was the end of an exorcist spear.

As he returned to the crowd, he heard Thaddeus telling a version of the story where an exorcist had entered their hiding place but had fled when he valiantly fought it off to save his beloved. No one bothered to ask him how the exorcist supposedly got in and out, as the spider demons had to cut them out with a fire axe. Penny understood the others must have been suspicious of the story, but even if they were, it was too good of a version of the truth not to tell.

He touched his chest pocket, where he had just the head of the spear wrapped tightly in some loose fabric he’d found scattered on the mountain. There was no need to tell Ghost about this.

As the story spread the job offers started pouring in, and with them, the money. As soon as they were able to get themselves upright again, they were off and touring once more. With all eyes on Thaddeus and his story, his temper calmed. Weeks would pass without him being upset enough to throw a fist, and in between those times, he was the most passionate and attentive lover Penny could have asked for. None of it was ever quite as good as thinking you’re about to die sex, but that was somewhat understandable.

But... there were only so many times he could tell the story before the audience started to get bored of it. Mass exterminations weren’t exactly rare. It was only that a train full of moderately well-known performers had been killed that anyone had noticed in the first place.

Bigger and more exciting things in the news pushed the story out of the general public’s mind. Especially once the soldiers and influenza victims started raining down with such regularity that it was almost impossible to go for a walk without being hit by one. As falling demon-proof umbrellas became the hottest new fashion accessory in the hot town, whispers began about how sad it was that the two snakes had to fall back on such a tired, old act. Weren’t they capable of coming up with any new material?

…

The audience was so silent you could hear a pin drop. Penny was collapsed on the stage, trying to hold the shredded pieces of his stage outfit over his chest. Ghost was looming over him, the other half of the outfit knotted between his fingers. The audience volunteer stood off to the side, head cocked in confusion as he watched them.

“What’s going on?” someone finally whispered to their friend.

“I can’t tell if after years of doing the same act they decided to switch it up or of something just went really wrong,” the friend whispered back.

The curtains unexpectedly slamming shut answered that for them. “What the hell is wrong with you?!” the stage manager whispered in as close to a scream as he could manage without the sound reaching the audience. “You can’t just punch your assistant in the face and start ripping her clothes off!”

“She fucked up the act!” he snapped. “And if he won’t strip, then SOMEONE has to…”

“Wait, this is my fault,” the volunteer stammered. “I’m immune to hypnotism, and having heard about your act, I thought it would be FUNNY if I…”

“Really? DOES THIS LOOK FUNNY!?” Ghost screamed. The audience could clearly hear him.

“Get out, Ghost,” the stage manager demanded. “And don’t come back to this theater. You knew you were thin ice after I found your drugs in the green room, and you still decided to push me.”

“Fine. There are better theaters calling for us! Come on, Penny, let’s…”

The stage manager moved to block his hand as he reached for his partner. “I didn’t say I was tossing Penny out. Only you.”

“She’s mine. She goes where I go. Now come here, Penny!” he ordered.

Something snapped. Red and blue eyes met as both snakes reared up. “No,” was the singular answer.

A moment later they fell back out onto the stage, ripping the curtain down in the process. There was screaming and confusion as they crashed off the stage and into the orchestra pit, two cobras locked together in a massive snake fight. They’d both gone full demon, which not only significantly increased their size and made all their multitude of eyes glow but gave them the ability to unhinge their jaws fully into gaping black maws of jagged teeth as they hissed at each other. Their hoods were fully out, erect with the rage crawling through their bodies.

“Someone stop them!” the stage manager cried.

“Are you kidding? This is the best act we’ve seen in years!” a member of the audience shouted back as Penny blindsided Ghost with a violin. Ghost snapped his jaws into Penny’s hood as Penny grabbed his tail tightly in his own mouth. They had already unleashed enough venom on one another to knock out an elephant demon, but as they were immune to one another, it did nothing. It was a rolling, writhing, twisted mess of snake tail tossing back and forth on the ground.

Penny managed to get onto Ghost’s back, which resulted in him rearing up and slamming himself against the wall several times in order to try to dislodge the other snake. While he was shaking Penny around, someone pushed an empty bottle in Penny's hand, which he started using to whale on Ghost’s head. The audience jeered them on, even as they had to flee their seats to avoid being crushed by two massively heavy snakes throwing themselves around the room.

At some point, Penny accidentally manifested demonic black chains seemingly out of thin air. That wasn’t something he knew he could do, but it was certainly handy as he used them as whips to strike at Ghost. Ghost could only respond by ripping the bolted theater seats out of the flooring and throwing them, along with throwing anything else he could get his multiple hands on to try to make a ranged counterattack.

It took the arrival of hell police with powerful incapacitating weapons to stop the fight, by which point, a considerable amount of the theater had been trashed.


	5. Burrito Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sir Pentious eats a burrito.

“Hey, you can’t just stop your story there!” Angel Dust said, waving his arms around in frustration. “I want to know what happened after you finally stood up to that shitbag.”

“I can finish later, but it is rude to talk while eating,” Pentious answered as the waiter put two regular sized meals in front of Angel and Cherri, and a burrito so big it could probably kill a small animal if it fell on it in front of Pentious. “Let me make sure I understand this… burrito challenge,” he said slowly, poking at it. “If I eat this by myself within one hour…”

“Everything your party has ordered until this point is free. But if you can’t, the burrito costs a hundred bucks,” the waiter reiterated.

“I hope you brought your credit card Edgelord, because there’s no way that’s going to fit down your skinny neck,” Cherri mocked. He gave them a withering look, as if to silently ask if they had forgotten he was a snake. “Oh wait, hang on, hang on, I’m gonna film this,” Cherri said, pulling out her phone as Angel did the same.

“Really? You are going to film me eating a burrito?” Pentious asked dryly.

“What’s the matter, old man? Think you can’t do it?”

He sighed very deeply, clearly annoyed. “Burrito, burrito!” Angel and Cherri goaded, pumping their fists in the air. A moment later, they went silent. They could only stare as his jaw unhinged and dropped; his mouth gaping impossibly wide. They knew snakes were capable of stretching. They just didn’t know he was quite THAT flexible.

“Remind the boss to add a no snakes clause to the burrito challenge,” the waiter whispered.

.

When Penny slowly began to regain consciousness, he was lying on the floor of a miserably cold jail cell. The benches around the outside of the room were lined with demons that he immediately recognized as ladies of the night, and until he remembered his situation, he was temporarily confused about why he would be thrown in with them. At least the officers hadn’t bothered to look too closely. He had a feeling things would be worse for him in the men’s cell, given the way he was currently partially dressed. Not that much of his clothes had survived both Ghost’s attack and going full-out demon.

“Did you at least get a few good licks in on that john yourself?” one asked with a smirk when they realized the snake was awake and looking around curiously.

“I’m not… ow…” Penny flinched. He hadn’t realized how many bite wounds covered his body.

The woman, an owl demon by appearance, blew out a long drag of purple smoke and patted a spot on the seat next to her. “Come up here, darling, but don’t get up too fast or you might pass out again.”

“Thank… thank you,” the snake answered, sliding up on the bench. “I… I’ve never been in prison before.”

“Honey, this isn’t prison, this is jail. Local lock-up. Big difference. But never mind that, not once? Not even when you were alive?”

“No. What happens next?”

“Well, we stay here until either we get charged, they decide to drop the charges, or until our bail arrives. You got someone who can bring you cash?”

“… That’s who I punched.”

“Ah. Tough. Well, maybe they’ll have you sign a paper agreeing to pay a fine if you’re a first-time offender. Otherwise, the guards here aren’t opposed to having their dicks sucked off for a favor, if you understand what I mean.”

The black and yellow snake recoiled in disgust, hood flaring. “No thank you.”

“Mmm, when you get tired of sitting in here waiting for them to call your court date, we’ll see if you still resist,” she answered. “By the way, killing your cell mates isn’t prohibited, per se, but it’ll get you a bad name. Mostly because if they die and regenerate somewhere other than the cell, the pigs gotta chase them down again and they hate that.” She wasn’t being rude with that statement. Pretty much all of hell’s police were pig or boar demons. “Just establishing that because I’m not sure they feed us enough to keep a snake your size full, and I’m not opposed to being eaten. Kind of a kink of mine, to be honest.”

The snake scooted as far away as he could. “I’ll… keep that in mind. Wait, wait a minute. We’re in HELL. Why the hell is prostitution illegal… in hell?!”

“It’s not; beating up your Johns or causing property-damage-not-pursuant-to-Overlord-business is illegal.”

He figured that second one had to be what he was in trouble for, but he didn’t quite understand. “Property damage not pursuant to…”

“It means Overlords and anyone legally recognized as contending to be an Overlord can break the property damage laws. Oh, and some of the high-ranking ancient royals can get away with all kinds of stuff us ordinary folks can’t.”

“… Huh.”

Both turned their heads as there was a clank at the door of the cell. Two backlit figures approached with the keys. “Get up, snake bitch. You're being released,” the boar grunted. “And you!” the jailor pointed at the owl with the purple cigarettes. “Get out of here, you know you’re not actually under arrest and I’m tired of you sneaking in here trying to get people to eat you.”

“What a spoil-sport,” she sighed, picking up her bag and strutting out the door. “If you’re ever in central city and feel like a meal, look me up, kiddo. Just tell them you’re there to have lunch with Violetta.”

Only once he was into the light and his eyes could focus that Penny recognized the second figure with the jailor. “Pro… professor Ge Co?!” he asked in shock.

“Hello, my Shiny Penny. Although you’re not so shiny at the moment, I’m afraid,” he laughed. “Word gets around the community quickly, and that includes word of two snakes beating the shit out of each other and the theater at the same time. I happened to be close enough to drive over and thought I would provide your bail for old friendship’s sake.”

“Thank you, professor, I…” he flinched.

“Oh, dear, your tail is injured. Please, come with me. I’ll take you where you need to go next in my automobile.”

The snake’s eyes got huge. “You… you have an automobile? Can I touch it?”

.

“You might have heard of me without realizing it, as I’ve changed my name to Professor Stillshot. Professor Ge Co just… didn’t have the right ring to it for an up-and-coming Overlord.”

“You’re trying to become an Overlord?”

“My Penny, any demon with half a brain in his head would try to become an Overlord. Regardless, I have other things to discuss with you. My offer to have you as my assistant still stands, even though I’ve been working in the motion picture business instead of the theaters per se lately, but… you see, I am a demon of small stature. You are a demon with a large and intimidating build.”

“You want me to be your bodyguard? I am not that good in hand-to-hand fights.”

The professor laughed. “The state you left the theater in would disagree with that. I just need your intimidation factor. That, and… perhaps I can… make use of your hypnotism ability. So, my Penny, shall we make a deal?”

“… I need to get something from the theater first.”

It took some bribing to get the stage manager to let Penny back into the theater, but he quickly retrieved a small bundle wrapped in fabric. The professor happened to see the writing on it when Penny joined him back in the auto.

“Penny’s… insurance policy?” he asked with a bemused smile. “What’s in there?”

“Something I had to make sure Ghost never found,” he answered, unwrapping the fabric to show the professor the spear head inside.

“Dear Lucifer, my Penny, will you ever stop surprising me? Well, then, if there’s nothing else you need to pick up from your hotel… we’re off to Hellywood!” 

…

“Hold the phone, hold the phone!” Angel Dust said, nearly spitting out his own food. “You worked for the original overlord of porno movies?! Does that mean you were in some of the first pornos he ever filmed?!” Angel asked with a grin.

“NO!” It was clear the question had riled him up. “The professor knew that I was of high enough quality that I would never engage in such vulgarity. I… only helped some of the performers with their… performance anxiety.”

“… You mean you hypnotized them into working,” Angel said, his voice tightening up.

“I don’t regret what I did, but I regret the prolonged effects my influence might have had on them. I never… well, at the time I told myself that I never made anyone do anything they would not have otherwise agreed to do.”

“Hey, Penny, you should see how many views that burrito video I posted has gotten,” Cherri interrupted.

He cringed. “I would prefer you not use that name. It no longer holds any pleasant feelings for me. I don’t know why you’re both so surprised. Can you imagine trying to consume enough food for someone of my size with a human’s jaw?”

“I never had a reason to think about it. How much do you weigh, anyway? Like 300 pounds?”

“That’s quite a rude question, isn’t it?” he hissed.

“Everyone loves the Steve Irwin stand up you did in the narration,” Angel pointed out, ignoring Pentious as he scrolled through the comments. “You should do that accent more often.”

“The what who?”

“You really don’t know who Steve Irwin is, you shut-in? Famous animal guy. Not someone who would have ended up down here with us. Go home and watch some videos online.”

A lightbulb went off in the snake’s head at that moment. “You posted a vulgar video of me eating online?!” he shrieked, lunging over the table. “TAKE IT DOWN!”

“Why do you think we took it if we weren’t going to post it?!” Angel asked, holding Pentious at bay. “And too late, it’s already got over a thousand likes, king of the burrito deep throats. Including from Val and Vox. Oh, and look at the number of guys asking if you’re available to do that to…”

“AHEM,” a defeated Pentious coughed as he cut in, not wanting to hear the rest of that sentence. “Speaking of going home, it is getting late,” Pentious agreed. “If I stay out too late, the eggs might get antsy, and when they do… things get broken.”

“But you can’t just stop the story there!” Angel Dust said, clasping all of his hands on Pentious’ shoulders. “What happened to Ghost? To this Professor Stillshot guy? I know Val and Vox replaced him, but I don’t know very much about him.”

“Not directly, there was another moving picture pornographer Overlord in between them. I… suppose I could tell you the rest of the story another time.”

“You should come by the hotel. I bet Nifty and Husk would want to hear it, too. It could be grandpa story time.”

“I am not your grandfather!” He’d learned better since the ‘daddy’ incident. “But… that would be preferable to having the two of you in my house or being seen regularly in public with you. At the same time, if I go to the hotel too often, rumors might spread that I was thinking of being redeemed.”

“So, put on sunglasses and an even bigger hat and show up like a movie star,” Cherri suggested. “That sounds like something you’ve done before.”

“I will… consider it. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to call a taxi since a certain someone destroyed my usual mode of transportation.”

…

As the three demons parted ways, they were unaware that at the bus depot for the central city, a badly scarred white snake was emerging from one of the recent arrivals. He reached out to pick up his luggage and missed, grunting when he realized he’d tried to pick it up with his missing arm. How long had that been gone and he was still trying to use it?

Using one of his three remaining arms, he picked up the suitcase and continued forward. In another hand, he clutched a badly crumpled print-out showing a screen shot of a recent news broadcast. “Ready or not, Penny,” he grinned as he investigated the bustle of the city. “Here I come.”


	6. The most special are the most lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The more you want the world to stay the same, the more it changes.

In a burst of glittering water, the long black serpent emerged from the pool and hefted himself up onto the side. It was one of his ways of relaxing after a busy day. He’d spent far too much time slithering around fixing camera issues for his taste, as it had left him feeling burned out and with little time to pursue his own inventions.

It had taken some time to get the drugs Ghost had been feeding him out of his system. At one point, he’d had to be chained to a wall to prevent him from hurting himself from the pain of withdrawal. The professor had been surprisingly supportive, and he was grateful for that. Still, knowing what Ghost had done with his gratitude… he was cautious about giving too much in return. He’d changed his name to Pennae after everything that had happened, wanting to distance himself from Penny but not wanting to have to get used to a drastically different name.

He needed to get ready. Stillshot was bringing over Dramatica, the Overlord of the theater, that night. The two had been feuding over the bite cinema had been putting into the live theater business. They were supposedly going to have a cordial meal together to discuss the issue. If any less than gentlemanly behavior was exhibited… Pennae subconsciously touched one hand to the eye in the middle of his chest. They’d managed to place a pocket dimension enchantment on it so that he could keep his angelic weapon close to his heart. Most demons would be terrified to put an angelic weapon inside their body, but he was… slightly crazy.

He grunted in frustration as the clay golems took far too long to retrieve his outfit from the closet. They were such clunky, infuriatingly simple-minded things. There had to be a better way of making animated servants, he thought to himself as he pushed past them.

The dress has been a gift from Stillshot specifically for the occasion. He called it the… flapping style, was it? All sequins and beads… and straight lines. What was the point of working so hard to keep his perfect hourglass figure with a dress like this? Still… if it was what was in style, it was what he would wear. He knew that he was free now to wear men’s clothing if he wanted, but he found the men’s clothing of the day to be so lacking in style. That, and pants didn’t really fit his figure.

.

“Lord Dramatica, might I introduce you to my closest associate, Pennae?”

“It is wonderful to meet your lordship,” he said, giving the Overlord of the theater a respectful bow of the head.

“Such a polite creature. How delightfully old fashioned and simultaneously modern.” Dramatica looked like an old English king from the neck down, including his choice of dress with a massive white fur collar. His head, however, had two faces that were permanently fixed into grotesque white masks. One bore the smile of comedy, the other the weeping face of tragedy. His mouths didn’t move when he spoke, but the sound seemed to come out of both heads at once. He slid his hand under Pennae’s jaw and forced the snake to look up at him. The snake tensed his coils, ready to react if the man tried anything. “But if I am not mistaken, Pennae means the plumage of a bird. Interesting name to give to a serpent demon.” Even when the man tried to speak quietly, his voice boomed like he was in a massive outdoor amphitheater, and the vibrations hurt the snake’s sensitive ears.

The man suddenly released the snake and turned back to the Professor. “I don’t understand why you two are working against me. You, Professor, you got your start in my theaters.” Behind his back, Pennae flicked his tongue in a gesture that only other snakes would know was incredibly rude.

“Yes, sir, but technology advances. You can’t stop the march of progress, whether on hell or on Earth, And humans are such clever things with their inventions, aren’t they?” Stillshot said, his voice still as suave as it had been back in their vaudeville days. “Sir, with all due respect… now that the sinners realize what you can do when you combine moving pictures with sexual arousal, trying to stop it would go about as well as the humans who thought they could ban alcohol from an entire country. Speaking of clever inventions, you should see some of the things my precious Pennae has built. He does dabble around with such things his in free time, you know.”

“Hmmm… I keep hearing rumors that Pennae is the one who designed the new cameras and projectors you’re using that have let you double your production rate. Would there be any truth to those rumors? If so… I may have underestimated you, snake.”

“Pennae helps the nervous performers get over their anxiety as well,” Professor Stillshot said proudly, not directly answering the question. “I really don’t know what I’d do without my ebony treasure.” 

“Perhaps I was too hasty in assuming we could only be enemies. Perhaps we should all work together. A trifecta of powerful Overlords. No one would dare cross us.”

Professor Stillshot laughed. “Pennae has no ambitions towards becoming an Overlord. He’s perfectly happy to work for me,” the professor said. Pennae wondered if the professor had forgotten he’d once said that anyone with half a brain would want to be an Overlord. “When you’re an Overlord you’re a target for every other schmuck and schmoe who wants to be one themselves. Pennae doesn’t need that kind of a headache, do you, my dear?”

…

“Can I interrupt for a second?” Angel Dust asked.

“You already did,” Pentious pointed out.

“If you didn’t change your name to Pentious when you changed jobs, when did you do that? And what happened to Ghost? You said you…”

“Am I telling this story or are you telling this story?” Pentious hissed in annoyance.

“No need to get your tail twisted, Grandpa. Do you still wear women’s clothing behind closed doors?”

“I wear MY clothing, thank you very much. If you’re going to continue insulting me, I might as well leave.”

“Aw, don’t do that! Obviously those guys aren’t Overlords anymore, so I wanna hear what happened.”

Pentious took a very cautious look around to be sure the space was clear of Alastor before coldy answering “You know what happened. You live with… it. But we’re not at that part of the story yet, so if you would kindly stop interrupting me…”

“Just one more question! Did living in the same building with a bunch of porn stars mean you got to rail ‘em whenever you wanted… or get railed whenever you wanted? I ain’t one to judge.”

“Do you want me to continue this story or do you want me to get up and leave?”

“I’m just having fun getting your hair up,” Angel laughed, and Pentious immediately put his hood down now that he was self-conscious of it being open. “Come on, be a good sport and tell the rest of the story.”

Maybe having easy access to a crew of porn stars WAS a side perk of the job, but he certainly wasn’t about to tell Angel that. Besides, it had been an odd situation. It had just been meaningless fornication, crushing bodies together for pleasure. Despite being able to have almost anyone he wanted… he’d been so painfully lonely. Enough that he had almost started aching to see Ghost again. What a mistake. He should have been careful what he wished for. “Before you so rudely interrupted me, I was just about to get to the stock market crash of 1929.”

“That affected hell?” Angel Dust asked, incredulous.

“I was just about to tell you that it did. I know you’re not used to keeping silent without a cock in your mouth, but if you could…”

“You could put your cock in it while you finish the story,” he suggested, sticking out his tongue at the flustered serpent.

“That is it. I am leaving.”

“Aw, come on, Pen-Pen. I was just joking. You gotta learn to relax!” he said , pulling a huffing Pentious back to his seat.

“Fiiiiine,” The snake sighed. “But ONE MORE interruption and it’s over!”

…

“Professor? That’s an odd expression. Is something wrong?” Pennae asked, looking up from his rock. He was lying belly down, his back to the light coming from above. He’d been doing some nude ‘sunbathing’ on his favorite heat rock in the conservatory, another one of his methods for relaxing after work. The professor rarely came into the conservatory as he had accepted it as Pennae’s private space.

“Hell’s stock market crashed,” the Professor said, his voice unusually quiet.

Pennae sat up. “How bad is it?” he asked.

“Bad enough that it rippled into the human world and started crashing their markets,” the professor sighed. “After the most recent war and pandemic in the human world and several years of low harvests by the exorcists, Hell is at a breaking point. And the ordinary sinners… they’re furious at the Overlords. Blaming us.”

“They… they should blame Lucifer, if they blame anyone!”

“Except that Lucifer would crush them down like bugs if they dared raise their voices against him. Us? We’re… easier targets. It’s the system that’s broken, but you can’t throw darts at a picture of the system, so… we take their rage. That’s the dark side of having an Overlord’s power. I’m having the wall reinforced around the mansion as quickly as possible. Pennae, I think it would be best if you stayed inside for now. You’re known as an associate of mine and highly recognizable. It would kill me if you got hurt.”

“I’m… I’m sure the stock market will recover quickly, right?” he asked hopefully.

That was how the mansion became Pennae’s prison. It was a very luxurious prison, but captivity is still captivity. As the depression dragged on, the anger continued to grow like a rolling snowball in an avalanche. Threatening graffiti appeared on the walls daily. Of course, the people continued to consume the movies they made at a ravenous pace… but they did it while grumbling about how much they hated the Overlords and having to give their money to them.

“I used to love sitting on my sun rock out here,” he said to Ruth the canary demon one day as they sat, both looking up at the sky. “But now it feels like I’m a pet snake in someone’s terrarium.”

“Being a bird demon with clipped wings… I know what birdcages feel like,” Ruth agreed. Ever since the day he’d used his hypnotism to bring her down from a particularly bad trip she’d been kind of clingy. While it had initially annoyed him, he’d become grateful for her company once he was trapped inside. She was the only one he regularly let inside his conservatory sanctuary… although that was mostly because he didn’t tend to bother with clothing there, and he didn’t mind Ruth seeing him naked. If he were being honest… crawling around in the plants pretending to be an actual wild cobra aroused him, and Ruth was always willing to help him take the edge off when he got too excited. “Everybody wanna hear me hit the high note.”

“Wanna know if they can get you for a little less,” he yawned in understanding.

“Do you think this depression will ever end, or if this the new normal?”

“Is anything ever normal in Hell?” he asked, glad that Ruth could get him to break a smile.

“Hey, uh… what do you think of all this talk about the Radio Demon?” she asked.

“Rumors and hogwash, my dearest Ruth. No mortal soul has ever been able to achieve that much power in such a short period of time,” he said, hand-waving her concern. “I think… well, the ordinary sinners are angry at the system right now, and I can’t very much blame them. This Radio Demon promises to turn over that system and tear it up by its very roots. That’s why everyone is talking about him. They see him as some kind of folksy anti-hero. But I think… well… if he’s going after Overlords, there’s no chance he isn’t just as bad as they are,” Pennae finished.

“But the things he broadcasts…”

“Exaggerations to make his powers seem more impressive,” Pennae hissed. “I know a few things about playing the media myself.”

“I hope you’re right,” Ruth said with a shake of her wings.

He was wrong. Oh, Lucifer, how he was wrong.

…

“PROFESSOR!” Pennae screamed, moving through the destroyed mansion as fast as his slithering would allow. “Professor?! Professor, where are you!?”

“Pennae?! Pennae, help!” he heard Ruth’s chirping voice calling out.

He followed the source of the sound and found her with one wing trapped beneath a fallen piece of what had been the staircase. Fortunately, he was strong enough to lift it off her.

“Pennae, what’s happening?” she sobbed, throwing her wings around his waist. “Why is this happening?”

“I… I don’t know. I was just working in my shop when I heard an explosion, and then…” He tightened up as the sound of static buzzed through the air and the walls began to bleed. He pulled Ruth closer to himself as someone was walking through the clouds of dust generated by the crumbling walls. Someone he didn’t recognize emerged, looking emotionlessly at them with flickering red eyes.

“Get… get behind me, Ruth!” he cried, pulling his angelic blade from his chest and holding it out in front of himself. He had to hold it with both hands to keep from dropping it, as his arms were shaking. “R… Ruth, I’ll hold him off as long as I can! Fly!”

“I can’t, my wings…”

“That won’t be necessary,” a voice cut in. It was a voice full of electric crackles, with a highly distinctive accent. “I was just leaving. But children,” he said, as he looked straight at Pennae’s blade. “Children shouldn’t play with grown-up toys. Someone is liable to get hurt.” With that, he was gone. The strength leaving his scales, Pennae collapsed.

“We… we should go,” he said. Still clutching the blade in his right hand, the two fled the mansion as black and grey smoke rose into the air behind them, a combination of burning material and plaster dust.

As they escaped from the building, he found the professor’s hat lying in the debris, its eye blinking slowly. Pitying it, he retrieved the hat and carried it with him as he fled.

…

“So that was the Professor’s hat originally?” Angel asked.

“I intended to give it back to him, but I never… I know demons aren’t supposed to be able to kill other demons, but I never saw him again. Even if I did now, I’ve… grown attached to it.”

“I didn’t know you could stop a bad trip with your hypnotism.”

“Not consistently. My success rate is about seventy-five percent among demons who aren’t outright immune to my hypnotism.”

“Shit, that’s better than nothing. Can I call you next time I’m freaking out? Also, is that why you thought Smiles would remember you? Do you know how many people have shoved pointy things in his face? That's just Tuesday to him."

…

Across town, Arackniss had arrived outside Sir Pentious’ heavily Victorian-influenced house. Pentious had let him know earlier that he’d be out all day, but Arackniss had the key codes for his gate and front door. Pentious has repaired a gun with a squib load stuck in it for him and left it in the usual spot for him to pick up. In his pocket he had his payment for the snake: a heaping full bottle of Fentanyl.

As he opened the door, he was immediately hit by a foul smell. Normally Pentious’ place always had a baseline smell of rotten eggs. This was far worse. It smelled like a combination of shit, piss, and rotten eggs.

“PHEW,” he said, pinching his nose. “Eggs, you gotta tell your boss… that… that…” the fur on his neck went up. Usually there were a bunch of excited Egg Bois waiting to greet him at the door. This time, the house was eerily silent. Even when Pentious took his Egg Bois out, he never took all of them at once.

The door slammed shut behind him with a loud bang. Arackniss spun around, gun in hand, to find himself face to face with a massive three-armed white snake. “WHO. ARE. YOU!?” it roared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Credits for lyrics referenced in this chapter
> 
> Regina Spektor - All the Rowboats  
> Dessa - Dixon's Girl


	7. When one door closes, a hotel opens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As one story ends, another begins.

“Well, the experience of visiting you wasn’t… entirely unpleasant. Perhaps sometimes I can visit again to tell you more about the incredible things I’ve done with my afterlife. I can tell you what it was like watching the mortals successfully landing on the Moon.”

“I’m not THAT young, grandpa.”

Pentious huffed. “Then maybe you’d prefer to hear about the time I was accidentally summoned to this weird concert thing sometime in the late 60’s. After that, I have no idea why everyone loves the Grateful Dead. I thought they were awful. They didn’t make me grateful for anything, and I am dead.”

“YOU WERE AT FUCKING WOODSTOCK!?” Angel Dust screamed in shock.

“Why does everyone react that way when I tell them? It wasn’t that interesting! Hippies chanting nonsense words accidentally made a sigil in the mud and summoned about a half dozen demons. It was crazy; they didn’t even notice several demons in their midst. Or they did and thought we were just hallucinations? Anyway, the mortals gave me a tablet of something that made me smell colors. One of the mortals spent half an hour licking me to try to get high before I was able to convince him that it’s FROGS that are hallucinogenic, not SNAKES.”

“You dropped acid? Seriously?”

“I didn’t know what it was at the time. If I may be honest, for everyone seems to idolize the fact that I was there, it really wasn’t worth it. It was impossible to tell if the ground was mud or human feces, and for someone who has to crawl on the ground... I took about thirty baths when I got back to Hell. At least demons don’t crap on the ground *quite* that often.”

“Still, suddenly arriving in the mortal realm during the era of free love with two dicks must have been like getting into heaven for you.”

The snake sputtered, flustered, a blush spreading through his hood as it fanned out. “Who... who told you that?!”

“Baxter said all snakes have two dicks.”

“Why was this a topic of conversation?!”

Before Angel could answer, Pentious’ phone rang with a tone that was at least five years out of date, if not older. “Hold on, I have to get this,” he said. “Hello. Was there a problem finding the weapons I packaged for…”

“Where are you?” the spider cut him off, voice loud and panicked.

“I’m… I’m at THAT hotel, if you must ask. Why, what’s wrong?”

“Listen to me. Stay right there and stay where other demons can see you. Don’t go anywhere by yourself until I get there.”

Pentious froze up, his fingers tightening around his phone. Arackniss was supposed to pick up some weapons he’d repaired while the snake was out. “Is… is there something wrong at my house?” he asked.

“I’ll… I’ll tell you when I see you in person. Warn my brother that I’m coming, and he better be ready for it.” With that, the call cut off.

.

Arackniss mentally made a note that he’d have to apologize to Pentious for putting so many holes in his house. He was crouched peering around a corner, breathing hard. He had guns in half of his hands, the other half free for reloading and to help him keep his balance when he moved.

“Got you, itsy-bitsy spider!” the snake hissed, emerging out of the wall behind him with its fangs bared.

Arackniss whipped around and unloaded another full round, but the snake vanished back into the wall. His bullets missed the snake and tore apart a painting and a vase. “Come out and fight like a man and stop it with the disappearing act!” he shouted angrily, making a quick reload.

He had to slide quickly to the left as a light fixture crashed down, barely missing him. The snake was hanging from the ceiling, laughing. Damn, he was FAST, and the fact that he could disappear wasn’t making it any easier. Once again Arackniss’ bullets tore up the ceiling but failed to touch the vanishing snake.

He realized he was at a disadvantage in close quarters, where the snake could pop out of any wall at any time. He made the executive decision to take out one of the nearest windows, allowing him to make a rolling jump onto the lawn.

He took aim for his next shot as he waited for the snake to come at him, but it stopped at the window, glowering at him. It was as if he’d hit a barrier. It took Arackniss a moment, but he realized the snake couldn’t fight out in the open sunlight. He needed the shadows to disappear into.

“Got you, fucker,” Arackniss grinned.

After quickly making his call to Pentious, he immediately called in as many of his associates as he could get on short notice to tear through the house looking for the white snake. Despite searching every corner up and down, they found no trace of the snake, concluding that he’d fled out the back before they’d managed to arrive.

.

It took Arackniss about half an hour to get across town with afternoon traffic. When he arrived, he had three Egg Bois in the back of his car. “Niss!” Pentious greeted him, practically flying down the hotel walkway as he helped the eggs out of his car. “What happened? And why did you bring three Egg Bois to me?” he asked, pointing.

“Because these were the only three I could find. They locked themselves in an upstairs closet.”

“… What do you mean, only three you could find? I had more than forty working on…”

“You’d better get inside and sit down before I show you these pictures,” Arackniss cut off. He seemed upset enough that for once, Angel Dust decided to wait before starting in on needling him.

“I’ve got a bunch of my guys looking for the bastard who did this,” Arackniss informed Pentious as the snake scrolled through his phone. There was a mixture of egg guts and… various bodily fluids… smeared all over the walls, and quite a few things had been mindlessly smashed or cut apart. The further he went through the pictures, the harder Pentious started shaking. Angel was afraid he might be having a seizure.

“I’m coming, Penny,” was written in a smeared black lettering on what appeared to be a bedroom wall. “Can’t wait to get back to our old act.”

“I don’t get why you’re so afraid of this guy,” Angel said. “You’re trying to become an Overlord, right?” By that time, Charlie and Vaggie had heard the commotion and joined them in the lobby. They had brought a blanket with them for the shaking serpent.

“As you suspected, the day we ruined the theater wasn’t the last time I saw Ghost,” Pentious answered between hiccups. His hands tightened around the tea Nifty had brought. “If he’s still alive… then… there’s… a chance he still has my angelic weapon.” 

“You had an angelic weapon and you GAVE it to a psychopath?” Vaggie asked angrily.

“I didn’t give him anything; he took it from me. Along with everything else he took from me! He already intended to use it on me once, but… you know, I’m not actually sure anymore that there IS a God, despite being able to see Heaven from here. But if there is, he’s laughing at me.”

“I think you need to finish your story, so we know what we’re dealing with here,” Angel Dust suggested.

…

Years passed and the mortal world continued to march on, dragging the denizens of Hell behind it as their rapidly marching technology rained down on the sinners. The second World War brought new horrors, things that repulsed even hardened sinners. Holocaust. Nuclear War. Television. Man on the Moon. Vietnam. Kent State. We didn’t start the fire. He and Ruth had tried to cling to each other in desperation for a while, but when her wings grew back… he couldn’t justify keeping her on the ground. He hoped wherever she was now, that she was happy.

Pennae splashed water on his face. He looked up, not sure who it was that he saw looking back at him from the mirror. An empty spot where there should have been a damned soul. It felt like someone hit fast forward on the world around him while he was still stuck in slow motion.

He slipped outside, lighting his cigarette. Neon lights flashed alternate colors across his grey and black skin as he wandered past an unconscious raccoon with a needle still sticking from his arm. A drunken dog was pissing against a wall. Whenever he passed anyone, they would both turn their heads away. Eye contact was forbidden here. As he was staring at the ground, he saw a shadow rise behind him and heard a whoosh sound. A moment later, he crumpled to the ground as something hard struck him in the back of his head.

When he regained consciousness, he was lying on his back on a stage. It took him a moment to realize it was THAT stage. The stage where he and Ghost had performed their last act together.

He was wearing an outfit that looked exactly like what he used to wear in their old acts, one that Ghost must have forced on him while he was unconscious. There was a heavy chain around his neck that clanked as he sat up. The theater had clearly never been repaired, as he could see through the collapsed ceiling into the false night sky.

“Isn’t it nice to be back on the stage, Penny?” Ghost asked. ““I’ve… been wanting to see you for so long. Our final act, and we’re going to perform it together!” It was strange, but in the moment, the most emotion he felt was anger that Ghost had taken his hat. Ghost didn’t deserve to wear the Professor’s hat.

Extermination day was coming. At midnight, the sky would open with exorcists. “Remember, my precious, how amazing the sex was last time we did this? But I’m afraid things must end differently this time. And just to be sure they don’t miss us,” Ghost said, slapping a spotlight with his tail and lighting up the night sky. “When we’re erased from existence, we’ll go into the void together. As one. You’ll never leave me again. Not in all eternity,” he hissed. The ultimate ‘if I can’t have you, no one can.’ “Come on, Penny, any words for the audience?” he asked, referring to a bunch of stick figures he’d built and placed in the few remaining rotted seats.

“You’re crazy,” he spat. He could hear a clock staring the midnight countdown somewhere.

“Crazy for you, Penny. I love you,” he said, grabbing the other snake in his arms and forcing a painful kiss as his hands roamed over Pennae’s body.

His heart pounding, he listened to the chimes of the clock. Three. With one hand massaging Ghost’s back to distract him, Pennae slipped his other hand into the eye on his chest. Stupidly, Ghost hadn’t seen fit to restrain his hands. He was glad the angelic blade could slide easily through the chain on his neck as he distracted Ghost with the movement of their tongues against each other. Fifth chime.

A moment later he jumped back. Ghost howled, grabbing his bleeding arm. He’d slashed forward and cut a decent depth into Ghost’s arm before the blade caught in the bone, trapping it. Even though he hadn’t gotten the whole way through, he could tell the angelic weapon had done enough that no surgeon in Hell could save that arm. Seventh chime.

“YOU BITCH! YOU WHORE!” he was shrieking as Pennae fled blindly. Run, run, gotta run, gotta hide, the words pounded in his head. Twelfth chime.

He was knocked to the ground by the force of two exterminators landing on the stage so heavily that they sent out shockwaves. Ghost’s shrieks increased in pitch as one of them drove its spear directly into his tail. The other fixed its eyes on the terrified Pennae.

Pennae continued to back away. He’d escaped them once. There was no way he’d be that lucky a second time. Holding his hat to his chest, he just kept slowly backing up as the exorcist walked slowly towards him, knowing it could take its time.

Overhead, he could hear a creak-creak-creak sound. It was suddenly replaced by the sound of metal snapping. As Pennae looked up, the remains of an extremely heavy lighting fixture came square down on his head. The last thing he heard was the snapping of his own bones as the world went black.

…

“WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?!” Angel Dust screamed, grabbing Pentious by the lapels and shaking him. “You can’t stop there; I have to know!”

“To be honest, I don’t know what happened next. As I told you, I really have no idea how I survived. I shouldn’t have, but I have a theory. I think… my wounds from the falling light fixture were fatal. But since they killed me before the exorcists could… well, it was as the weird owl woman said. Next thing I knew, I regenerated in another spot, lying out in an open field. Yet for some reason, they didn’t find me. When it was all over, I tried to return to the theater and see if I could recover my blade, but… both it and Ghost were gone by that point. I thought someone else had simply gotten there before me. At least I got my hat back, although… seeing my own crushed body was something else. I never thought I’d be in a situation where I’d have to cremate myself.”

“Ghost must have used his vanishing powers to get away from the exorcist,” Arackniss said, arms crossed and frowning.

“I swear, I didn’t know he could DO that. I’d never seen him do it.”

“Let’s keep our attention on the issue at hand,” Vaggie said. “Regardless of how he survived, there’s a psycho snake out there possibly armed with an angelic weapon who is looking to KILL someone who is currently sitting in OUR lobby.”

…

“What made you decide to go sober and try to be an Overlord?” Angel asked as he helped put some additional fortifications on the windows where they were keeping Pentious. A spell that would prevent any snake demons from getting in or out had been put around the building, and while that meant Pentious was temporarily safe, it also meant he was once again in a luxurious prison. He didn’t have much choice. If Ghost really could pass through walls, only a magic barrier would do. Even though Pentious couldn’t really understand WHY, the princess had insisted he stay there until they could do something about Ghost.

“After I was nearly killed by exorcists for a second time, I got to thinking… why have I been spared? Why me? It must mean I’m meant for something better, right? And, well… you’re assuming too much if you assume that I’m completely clean,” he half-laughed. “I don’t know why it is everyone assumes that just because I’m a little… bad… at keeping up with modern slang that I’m some innocent little lamb.”

“Were you high the day you decided you wanted to be called Sir Pentious?” Angel Dust asked.

“… If I MUST hear the whole story, at some point I discovered that I had never officially registered a legal name when I arrived in Hell, which is required to make an official bid for Overlord. But the night before I was going to go fill out the paperwork, some friends decided to do a... what do you call it... a heating box? Regrettably, stoned me and sober me have different ideas of what is… humorous,” he explained. “I haven’t touched pot since. But… the name grew on me.”

“I wanna meet stoned you, he sounds like the fun one.”

“No, you do not. Stoned me is... unreasonably affectionate.”

“How is that a problem?”

“Imagine being hugged so hard that your eyes pop out of your head.” Angel grimaced. “Pharmaceuticals are so much more reliable than street fare.” What he didn’t say was that Arackniss helped him obtain them in return for repairing and making modifications on weapons for his group. Quid pro quo. Pentious continued. “Opioids and I have had an on-off, love-hate relationship for over a hundred years now. I wish I had never started, but…” he shrugged. “They’re the other bad relationship I can’t break off.”

“Hey, you do realize that even though you’re not technically a client, if you’re going to stay here the princess is going to want you to stop all the way?”

Speaking of the princess… they were interrupted when Charlie dragged a reluctant Baxter into the room. “Baxter, this is Sir Pentious. He’s going to be living here for awhile due to… circumstances. I thought you two would like to meet because you’re both scientists!”

“I’m not sure I qualify a mechanical engineer as a true scientist,” Baxter noted coldly. “Also, I’d shake your hand, but I don’t want to risk getting Salmonella.”

Pentious’ hood puffed up. “You’d need to stand on a stool to reach it anyway,” he hissed back.

“Aw, come on now, don’t be like that,” Angel said, putting his arms around them in a way that made both uncomfortable. “We could make an act together. We could call it… the dudes who look like ladies! Heck, now that I think about it, that seems to be the type of cli-en-tele Charlie attracts to this hotel. You think that’s… intentional?” he grinned. “You gotta kink you’re not telling us about, princess?”

Charlie flushed a deep red. “I… um… I… well, now that I’ve introduced you two, I’ll just leave Pentious to get settled in!” she said, doing a 180 turn and stiffly walking away, still blushing.

“If you’ll excuse me, I have to go wash my brain out with bleach,” Baxter said, also leaving.

Pentious looked around the room. “Where are my Egg Bois?” he asked.

“They were all fascinated with Fat Nuggets so I let them give Nuggs his bath.”

“Oh, boy. If someone makes living English muffins we’ll have breakfast in a tub,” Arackniss snorted.

“You do not talk about my Nuggs that way!” Angel Dust snapped, not just getting up in his brother’s face but outright looming over it.

“… This is what I’m stuck with until someone manages to capture Ghost and I can go home again?” Pentious asked. “Great. I couldn’t be more excited. I’m going to get my Eggs,” he said, exiting the room as Angel Dust and Arackniss continued to bicker loudly.

He nearly ran directly into Alasator. “Is there… a reason you’re standing outside my door?” he asked, confused.

“I wanted to remind you that I warned you that children shouldn’t play with grown-up toys. And look at what happens when you don’t listen to me.” With that, he walked away, leaving an open-mouthed Pentious to stare after him.

He wasn’t sure what he’d just gotten himself into.

…

“Wait!” you, the reader, cry. “You put me through all that emotional angst just so that you could justify moving Pentious into the hotel for later fics you plan on writing? But what about Arackniss and Pentious! Are they friends?! MORE?! You can’t just leave me like this until the next fic!!”

And I say onto you…

“NYAHAHAHAHA I’M SO EVIL.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional notes:  
> If there were a music video for this fic, it would be set to “Dessa- Call Off Your Ghost.”


End file.
